Regret

We often hear it from old people nearing the end of their lives. They wished they should have done something else, that they should have chosen another way, that they should have risked more, lived more…cared less about what other people think.

Generally, I’m still at the prime of my life. But everyday I’m bothered by that nagging feeling that I made bad decisions and sabotaged my future because of it.

I’ve read somewhere about the story of a fly that was caught on the flypaper. It doesn’t know what happened so it kept on moving and trying to fly away but the more it moved, the more its trapped on the glue. I felt like the fly.

Lord, grant me the wisdom, the courage and the strength to change the situations that hurt me…and to surrender those that I cannot change. Amen.

New Year

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2020 has been a challenging year, a sad year, a year for reflection and slowing down. I saw acquaintances get sick and die…friends who lost their loved ones. There was a constant news of sickness, of death, of poverty, of natural calamities. And then, there’s the constant fear, that the darkness might reach your home and extinguish its light.

I was used to staying up late at night, but this time, it wasn’t because of creative inspirations but because of anxiety, of fear.

Life is too short indeed and everything that matters really don’t matter at all. Money didn’t save the rich from getting sick, material possessions that were once so important were left behind, to be given away recklessly.

But still, we toil, we work, we create some semblance of normalcy, we compete, we achieve, we pursue something. But at the back of my mind, nothing is the same.

What do I fight for? How can I create meaning amidst all these?

Life’s meaning, its purpose, that’s what matters now.

As I face the new year, Lord, may I find the courage to live a meaningful life, the life that my soul seek. Help me to focus on what’s important and release me from the bondage of fear. Thank You for the opportunity to see another sunrise and to greet the day with an open heart. Please protect us and keep us in the palm of Your hand..

Someday…

Someday I’m going to write again…one of these days, I’m going to find my voice again.

When I get over this numbness, this indifference.

When I find my heart.

When I taste my tears.

When I see the light.

An unfortunate day to be happy

When you’re sad over someone’s birth…and instead of saying “happy birthday”, you say, “I feel sorry the day you were born.”

You’ve caused me so much pain.

I can only imagine the pain that your mother has to go through.

I should know. I’m also a mom.

From the moment I held my son in my arms, I loved him and I promised myself that I’m going to give him the best that I can give him. I will protect him. I will sacrifice for him. I will put him first, above everything.

And to see one’s child fight for a little attention, a scrap of love from someone she does not deserve is a sad sad day to a mom…

You must be so lonely to allow yourself to be treated like trash…someone that they will throw away and forget once they’re done in exchange of “love”.

I feel sorry for your mom.

I feel sorry that you’re sad.

I feel sorry that you’re so afraid to be alone.

Oh yeah, I feel sorry that you were born because I had to meet you…

I had to experience the pain of your brokenness.

And I had to carry it with me for the rest of my life…

When all I ever want was to give the people I love the freedom to choose their own happiness, the freedom to be who they want to be.

So today, I mourn, for the birth of my pain, more than the pain of birth that your mom has experienced because after the pain there was no joy for me…only regret.

The day I stopped hating

I’m not sure if its good or not but the act of “hating ” gave me a sense of purpose, so when I stopped hating, I just don’t know where to go or what to do.

The whole emotion just vanished and I was left with an empty shell, unable to cry, unable to laugh, unable to care at all.

I was watching the movie, Inside Out last night and realized how important Sadness was, how she made everything right. The once was a happy memory brought tears…which melted away the wall created by anger and fear and disgust…

They say the opposite of love is NOT hatred but indifference…I see that. Because when you hate, somehow, you still care…

Indifference is when you don’t feel anything at all…It’s when you just don’t care at all.

Hello Mr. Death

Death has knocked on our door once again, someone in the family has opened it and he was taken away.

Did they know? When death knocked, did they recognize him?

My father in law died after 3 months of being diagnosed with cancer. It was my son’s birthday. Ofcourse, he knew that he was going to die eventually, all of us will anyway, but that day, did he know? When my 5 year old son played and sang “happy birthday” with him, did he know?

My childhood friend and cousin died of pneumonia a few days ago. He was young and healthy. He was okay the last time we chat over trivial things. I checked his facebook page, he was asking for prayers last week because according to him, he was sick. A post that I did not see. When he posted that, did he know? When he was in the hospital, did he know?

Death has come so near, I could almost touch him. It made me stop and wonder…how will I know when my time comes?

I live as if I’m going to live forever…putting off the things I would love to do for the things that I feel I NEEDED to do. Putting off being happy over my responsibilities and obligations. Unable to touch lives because I was busy…doing the hings I hated, living the life that I wanted to escape.

Hello, Mr. Death! When are you going to come after me? Will I know? Will I recognize you? 

I’m not ready…I got so much to do, so many dreams to fulfill, so many things to accomplish…for myself…for my dear self…

How does it feel to be depressed?

It’s like drowning in your own thoughts…

Thoughts of sadness and despair.

It’s losing control.

It’s like someone else lives inside your head, feeding you with thoughts… thoughts that hurt, thoughts of fear, of hopelessness. Stories of despair, of loss, of betrayal, of tragedy.

When everything outside seemed so normal, so calm…

Thoughts of the past keep on playing…again and again and again.

It’s tiring.

It’s tiring to CONTROL the flow of thoughts…it’s tiring to LET GO and give in.

The world keeps on spinning. Everyone keeps on moving. But the THOUGHTS stayed, oblivious of time…unaware of what’s real.

Something inside has died.

HOPE.

DREAM.

ZEST FOR LIFE.

Sometimes, butterflies do appear…

But darkness shall swallow it until nothing remains…but emptiness…and lots and lots of darkness…

I don’t know…

There was a time when I thought I knew. All those books and ideas. All those talks and sermons.
I thought I learned what I needed to learn. I thought I have discovered the secret.

But the more I learned, the more I do not know. The more I thought I understood, the more I felt confused.

In the midst of all the hustle and bustle of the world, I stood still. Confused. Disoriented. Tired.

I walked, just like everyone else. I pursued the things that they said were important.  But I was never happy.

How can you miss something that you never had?

I do not know.

There’s something inside that won’t be still.

Wrong place. Wrong time. Wrong thoughts.

I do not know.
But someday, I hope I’ll do.

This too shall pass…

This too shall pass. I used to say that to myself whenever I face situations that I don’t like. Situations that hurt, situations that’s hard.

It used to give me hope…that the hardships of today will end, and tomorrow will be better, much much better.

Lately, I’ve been saying that to myself much more often. And I’m starting to realize that I have been walking through life with my eyes closed, gritting my teeth, hoping against hope, that these days will end, that tomorrow will be different…

But the days went on…and on.

Just like today…just like yesterday.

This too shall pass.

I feel like I’m missing something.

That old feeling when you don’t like the day to end…when I was praying that the present mment would last forever.

I missed that.

I really do.

~Yellow