life, Love and relationship, Uncategorized

The day I stopped hating

I’m not sure if its good or not but the act of “hating ” gave me a sense of purpose, so when I stopped hating, I just don’t know where to go or what to do.

The whole emotion just vanished and I was left with an empty shell, unable to cry, unable to laugh, unable to care at all.

I was watching the movie, Inside Out last night and realized how important Sadness was, how she made everything right. The once was a happy memory brought tears…which melted away the wall created by anger and fear and disgust…

They say the opposite of love is NOT hatred but indifference…I see that. Because when you hate, somehow, you still care…

Indifference is when you don’t feel anything at all…It’s when you just don’t care at all.

life, Love and relationship, Uncategorized

Hello Mr. Death

Death has knocked on our door once again, someone in the family has opened it and he was taken away.

Did they know? When death knocked, did they recognize him?

My father in law died after 3 months of being diagnosed with cancer. It was my son’s birthday. Ofcourse, he knew that he was going to die eventually, all of us will anyway, but that day, did he know? When my 5 year old son played and sang “happy birthday” with him, did he know?

My childhood friend and cousin died of pneumonia a few days ago. He was young and healthy. He was okay the last time we chat over trivial things. I checked his facebook page, he was asking for prayers last week because according to him, he was sick. A post that I did not see. When he posted that, did he know? When he was in the hospital, did he know?

Death has come so near, I could almost touch him. It made me stop and wonder…how will I know when my time comes?

I live as if I’m going to live forever…putting off the things I would love to do for the things that I feel I NEEDED to do. Putting off being happy over my responsibilities and obligations. Unable to touch lives because I was busy…doing the hings I hated, living the life that I wanted to escape.

Hello, Mr. Death! When are you going to come after me? Will I know? Will I recognize you? 

I’m not ready…I got so much to do, so many dreams to fulfill, so many things to accomplish…for myself…for my dear self…

life, Love and relationship

How does it feel to be depressed?

It’s like drowning in your own thoughts…

Thoughts of sadness and despair.

It’s losing control.

It’s like someone else lives inside your head, feeding you with thoughts… thoughts that hurt, thoughts of fear, of hopelessness. Stories of despair, of loss, of betrayal, of tragedy.

When everything outside seemed so normal, so calm…

Thoughts of the past keep on playing…again and again and again.

It’s tiring. 

It’s tiring to CONTROL the flow of thoughts…it’s tiring to LET GO and give in.

The world keeps on spinning. Everyone keeps on moving. But the THOUGHTS stayed, oblivious of time…unaware of what’s real.

Something inside has died. 

HOPE.

DREAM.

ZEST FOR LIFE.

Sometimes, butterflies do appear…

But darkness shall swallow it until nothing remains…but emptiness…and lots and lots of darkness…

life, Love and relationship, Uncategorized

I don’t know…

There was a time when I thought I knew. All those books and ideas. All those talks and sermons.
I thought I learned what I needed to learn. I thought I have discovered the secret.

But the more I learned, the more I do not know. The more I thought I understood, the more I felt confused.

In the midst of all the hustle and bustle of the world, I stood still. Confused. Disoriented. Tired.

I walked, just like everyone else. I pursued the things that they said were important.  But I was never happy.

How can you miss something that you never had?

I do not know.

There’s something inside that won’t be still.

Wrong place. Wrong time. Wrong thoughts.

I do not know.
But someday, I hope I’ll do.

Love and relationship

This too shall pass…

This too shall pass. I used to say that to myself whenever I face situations that I don’t like. Situations that hurt, situations that’s hard.

It used to give me hope…that the hardships of today will end, and tomorrow will be better, much much better.

Lately, I’ve been saying that to myself much more often. And I’m starting to realize that I have been walking through life with my eyes closed, gritting my teeth, hoping against hope, that these days will end, that tomorrow will be different…

But the days went on…and on.

Just like today…just like yesterday.

This too shall pass.

I feel like I’m missing something.

That old feeling when you don’t like the day to end…when I was praying that the present mment would last forever.

I missed that.

I really do.

~Yellow