life, Love and relationship, Uncategorized

An unfortunate day to be happy

When you’re sad over someone’s birth…and instead of saying “happy birthday”, you say, “I feel sorry the day you were born.”

You’ve caused me so much pain.

I can only imagine the pain that your mother has to go through.

I should know. I’m also a mom.

From the moment I held my son in my arms, I loved him and I promised myself that I’m going to give him the best that I can give him. I will protect him. I will sacrifice for him. I will put him first, above everything.

And to see one’s child fight for a little attention, a scrap of love from someone she does not deserve is a sad sad day to a mom…

You must be so lonely to allow yourself to be treated like trash…someone that they will throw away and forget once they’re done in exchange of “love”.

I feel sorry for your mom.

I feel sorry that you’re sad.

I feel sorry that you’re so afraid to be alone.

Oh yeah, I feel sorry that you were born because I had to meet you…

I had to experience the pain of your brokenness.

And I had to carry it with me for the rest of my life…

When all I ever want was to give the people I love the freedom to choose their own happiness, the freedom to be who they want to be.

So today, I mourn, for the birth of my pain, more than the pain of birth that you’re mom has experience because after the pain there was no joy for me…only regret.

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life, Love and relationship, Uncategorized

Hello Mr. Death

Death has knocked on our door once again, someone in the family has opened it and he was taken away.

Did they know? When death knocked, did they recognize him?

My father in law died after 3 months of being diagnosed with cancer. It was my son’s birthday. Ofcourse, he knew that he was going to die eventually, all of us will anyway, but that day, did he know? When my 5 year old son played and sang “happy birthday” with him, did he know?

My childhood friend and cousin died of pneumonia a few days ago. He was young and healthy. He was okay the last time we chat over trivial things. I checked his facebook page, he was asking for prayers last week because according to him, he was sick. A post that I did not see. When he posted that, did he know? When he was in the hospital, did he know?

Death has come so near, I could almost touch him. It made me stop and wonder…how will I know when my time comes?

I live as if I’m going to live forever…putting off the things I would love to do for the things that I feel I NEEDED to do. Putting off being happy over my responsibilities and obligations. Unable to touch lives because I was busy…doing the hings I hated, living the life that I wanted to escape.

Hello, Mr. Death! When are you going to come after me? Will I know? Will I recognize you? 

I’m not ready…I got so much to do, so many dreams to fulfill, so many things to accomplish…for myself…for my dear self…