life, Love and relationship, Uncategorized

An unfortunate day to be happy

When you’re sad over someone’s birth…and instead of saying “happy birthday”, you say, “I feel sorry the day you were born.”

You’ve caused me so much pain.

I can only imagine the pain that your mother has to go through.

I should know. I’m also a mom.

From the moment I held my son in my arms, I loved him and I promised myself that I’m going to give him the best that I can give him. I will protect him. I will sacrifice for him. I will put him first, above everything.

And to see one’s child fight for a little attention, a scrap of love from someone she does not deserve is a sad sad day to a mom…

You must be so lonely to allow yourself to be treated like trash…someone that they will throw away and forget once they’re done in exchange of “love”.

I feel sorry for your mom.

I feel sorry that you’re sad.

I feel sorry that you’re so afraid to be alone.

Oh yeah, I feel sorry that you were born because I had to meet you…

I had to experience the pain of your brokenness.

And I had to carry it with me for the rest of my life…

When all I ever want was to give the people I love the freedom to choose their own happiness, the freedom to be who they want to be.

So today, I mourn, for the birth of my pain, more than the pain of birth that you’re mom has experience because after the pain there was no joy for me…only regret.

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life, Love and relationship, Uncategorized

The day I stopped hating

I’m not sure if its good or not but the act of “hating ” gave me a sense of purpose, so when I stopped hating, I just don’t know where to go or what to do.

The whole emotion just vanished and I was left with an empty shell, unable to cry, unable to laugh, unable to care at all.

I was watching the movie, Inside Out last night and realized how important Sadness was, how she made everything right. The once was a happy memory brought tears…which melted away the wall created by anger and fear and disgust…

They say the opposite of love is NOT hatred but indifference…I see that. Because when you hate, somehow, you still care…

Indifference is when you don’t feel anything at all…It’s when you just don’t care at all.

life, Love and relationship

How does it feel to be depressed?

It’s like drowning in your own thoughts…

Thoughts of sadness and despair.

It’s losing control.

It’s like someone else lives inside your head, feeding you with thoughts… thoughts that hurt, thoughts of fear, of hopelessness. Stories of despair, of loss, of betrayal, of tragedy.

When everything outside seemed so normal, so calm…

Thoughts of the past keep on playing…again and again and again.

It’s tiring. 

It’s tiring to CONTROL the flow of thoughts…it’s tiring to LET GO and give in.

The world keeps on spinning. Everyone keeps on moving. But the THOUGHTS stayed, oblivious of time…unaware of what’s real.

Something inside has died. 

HOPE.

DREAM.

ZEST FOR LIFE.

Sometimes, butterflies do appear…

But darkness shall swallow it until nothing remains…but emptiness…and lots and lots of darkness…

Love and relationship

This too shall pass…

This too shall pass. I used to say that to myself whenever I face situations that I don’t like. Situations that hurt, situations that’s hard.

It used to give me hope…that the hardships of today will end, and tomorrow will be better, much much better.

Lately, I’ve been saying that to myself much more often. And I’m starting to realize that I have been walking through life with my eyes closed, gritting my teeth, hoping against hope, that these days will end, that tomorrow will be different…

But the days went on…and on.

Just like today…just like yesterday.

This too shall pass.

I feel like I’m missing something.

That old feeling when you don’t like the day to end…when I was praying that the present mment would last forever.

I missed that.

I really do.

~Yellow